8 things to remember when life feels a little too much

Some days, it all just feels like too much. The appointments, the injections, the waiting, the news you didn't want, the work emails that keep coming anyway. I've had plenty of those days. During my six rounds of IVF, four of them interstate, there were times I didn't want to leave the house at all.

My IVF journey ended in 2021. It was only recently that I came across the work of Phil Stutz, the American psychiatrist behind the Netflix documentary Stutz and the book The Tools (written with Barry Michels). I watched the film first, and I've since bought his books. His ideas are practical, a little blunt, and they've really stayed with me. Reading them, I kept thinking how much I would have loved to have them during treatment.

So here are eight things I try to remember now when life feels a little too much, some learned the hard way during IVF, with some of his wisdom woven through.

1. Pain, uncertainty and hard work are part of every life

Stutz talks about three things no one gets to avoid: pain, uncertainty and constant work. That was strangely comforting to me. If you're struggling, it doesn't mean you're doing life wrong. It means you're doing life.

As he puts it: "You actually have to learn how to love the process of dealing with those three things." I can't say I loved the process during IVF. But looking back, accepting that the hard parts are part of the deal is exactly what I needed to hear back then, and it's what I try to remember now.

2. Start with your body

When I feel lost, I go back to the basics. Stutz describes what he calls the Life Force as a pyramid, with your physical body at the base. Sleep, water, food that actually nourishes you, a walk around the block. None of it fixes everything, but everything feels harder without it.

His advice is beautifully simple: "Take care of your body, take care of your people, take care of yourself."

3. Let your people in

The middle of that pyramid is your relationships. When I was going through IVF, my instinct was to hide. I didn't want to explain, or to see the look on people's faces. But the days I let someone in, even for a coffee or a five-minute phone call, were always a little lighter.

You don't have to tell everyone everything. Just don't carry it completely alone.

4. Make time to check in with yourself

The top of the pyramid is your relationship with yourself. For Stutz, that includes writing, getting what's in your head out onto paper. I'm a big believer in it. A few honest lines in a notebook at the end of a hard day can help you see what's really going on, and what you need.

5. Just add the next pearl

This is my favourite of his tools. Stutz describes life as a string of pearls, where every action you take is a pearl. A big win and a tiny step are worth the same. You don't need to fix your whole life today. You just need to do the next thing: make the call, take the shower, book the appointment.

In his words: "I am the person that puts the next pearl on the string. That's it."

6. Every pearl has a flaw, and that's okay

Here's the part I love most. Stutz says every pearl has a dark spot in the middle. Nothing you do will be perfect. The injection you fumbled, the day you snapped at someone you love, the plan that fell through: they're still pearls. You keep going anyway.

If you're in treatment, please hear this: you don't have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep going, gently.

7. That harsh inner voice isn't telling you the truth

We all have a voice that says we're not coping, we're failing, we should be further along. Stutz calls it Part X, "an invisible force that keeps you from changing." Giving it a name has helped me. Now when it starts up, I try to notice it, and remind myself that it's not the voice of truth. It's just the voice of fear.

8. Make room for moments of joy within the storm

After the heartache of my first IVF cycle, I made a decision: F-this! I want to live the best life I can, despite going through IVF. That didn't mean pretending things were fine. It meant letting good moments in, even when the bigger picture was hard. A beach walk. A dinner out. A laugh with a friend.

Stutz has said that "happiness is not an accomplishment. Happiness is a process." You don't have to wait until treatment is over, or until life calms down, to feel some of it.

If it's more than a hard day

If you're finding it hard to cope, please reach out. Talk to your GP about how you're feeling, or call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. If you need support right now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. You don't have to wait until things are at their worst to ask for help.

Whatever you're carrying right now, I'm sending you so much love. From my heart to yours.

From one warrior to another,
Tanya xo

Phil Stutz's ideas are drawn from his book The Tools, co-written with Barry Michels, and the 2022 Netflix documentary Stutz. This article is personal reflection, not medical or psychological advice.